some where out there

ok i didn't finish talking the other day that is cuz i the bell had rung. i hate when that happens. it gets meh off gaurd. i thnk i will be right back i have to trun this paper in hold on.....ok i'm back miss meh... you know i like typeing in here it lets meh get all of my thoughts out with out kill some people that i would love to kill. i don't know what i am going to do when i get home. i hope i do something fun like. i don't really want to go home and sleep i think i might go out to the church and work out. wow i really don't want to do anything right now i want to just sit and stare. i have to do math after this waaaaa i don't want to i really really really need help on it. i don't get math..i never really have gotton math but you know i can lie. i can't wait i am going to ireland in jauaruy yay!!! i can't wait. i hope i have alot of fun and learn lots of new things and meet lots of new people you know what i have noticed i have noticed that i like to talk to people i like to meet new people wired people.. i just find that funny..people intrust meh..i can't wait to go to ireland. oh yeah what i was talking about befor i got cut off...josh spends all of his money on stupied crap...on food clothes,games and stupied stuff he doesn't need..how could i have been so dumb to think that he was ready to give all that up?? he isn't ready i don't think he will be ready for a long time... i think that maybe he wants a relationship but he doesn't want what comes with it..meaning he wants it but just doesn't want to waste time on it..i really like josh i think that we could have been something great but i don't know now i think maybe it's better to be friends.. and who knows maybe someday he will grow up but until than i am going to go on with my life as his friend..so anywho..i don't know what i am going to do today when i get home..like i said i may go to the church and work out that sounds really fun but i don't know..wow my stomach is making crazy noises like it is hungry which it shouldn't be cuz i ate something befor i left home. i really really really want to do something i am soo bored right now i don't think anybody gets how bored i am.......soooooooo...uh......um......yeah i like to think i am funny. i'm not but i like to think i am i get to meet this guy who is really funny. he is going to be my mall buddy he seems really funny and he isn't bad looking!!! hehe he said he wasn't looking for a relationship. which is fine i will just flirt with him and if i'm lucky he will do the same right back to meh...he likes ddr like meh i love ddr i am crazy with ddr i can kick ddr butt!!! yay butt kicking and shit ok will i think i am going to stop now cuz i the bell is about to ring so i am going to go bye bye for now ~melinda~

like hell this is..i really want to sleep but i can't..i don't know why but i just can't sleep when i am at school..hell knows why but it's true..so ii really don't have anything to talk about today..well i do but i don't know what..i think i am over the josh thing..i really do i mean i want to get back at him for what he did was wrong and hurt meh really bad i know he is sorry but really that doesn't make it better and i know that he is just saying sorry to make himslef feel better and when it comes down to it that is what we all do..it's a fact of life and it sucks..but you know what i hate about this josh thing is now i don't know if he ever really ment that he loved meh ya sure he says he did but really how can i belive that..with all my heart i want too but i can't i just can't for i think even my heart new what he was telling meh was all lies and you know that really kills meh cuz i hate that all he said was nothing but lies.....i mean i want some truth in it..but i don't there is..chrissy says he didn't get any from meh so he didn't want meh maybe that is true but i don't think it is..i really do think that he is lost and i hope he finds what he is looking for..but i can't help but wish he was in pain..not physical pain but emtional pain..i know that sounds mean and you know what i don't think i care.. i just want him to know what it feels like i don't feel like he hates meh i feel like i have wasted 3 months of my fucking life for him careing about him and wondering if he was ok and now what do i have to show for it his fucking friend ship well hell i don't know why i put up with it..i new he wasn't ready for something like this i knew cuz of the things he did when he waste his money on games and food and stupied uesless crap insted of meh

josh is going to call meh this afternoon. he says that we need to talk. that doesn't sound good infact that sounds bad i think he is going to break up with meh.god i hope not i love him i really do and this i am sure i don't know anyone like him and if he breaks my heart i will cry i will die a little inside and i don't like my life with out him i don't know what to do i don't want to go home just to hear him say i think it is best we go are seprate ways i don't want that i want to be with him i want him with meh right now and i don't think that he gets that and why should he i have never really let him in god why is it i can't let him in i want him to know how i feel but if i let him in that just means that i am weak right? god plz someone out there help meh josh is the only thing that is making meh sane and i dont' want to lose him and if i do what than i guess life goes on wow if i feel like i am loseing a hand or something like that i don't know.!!!! i know i love him for if i didn't i wouldn't feel this bad about him leaving meh i know he is going to break up with meh i just know it it is in my gut and my gut is usally right but this once i hope it is wrong.i cried this moring god josh you said you would never hurt meh you lied i am hurting and where are you when i fucking need you i want you here with meh right now i am dieing inside i hate that i don't know what the hell is going to tell meh is he cheating on meh is he tired of meh does he want someone else than meh i don't. i dont' know and right now i am feelin kinda good. more powerfull so if he does break up with meh i will be ok i will live i will go one with life and life will go on i will learn to love someone else and that is ok i mean i will be sad about it  i will cry but i won't die i will be ok!!!! yay i feel much better so yaya go me go me not you all i don't know why i just changed my way i just did and i feel great about it so until next time i am here -melinda-

you want to know what butters my toast? i will tell you..this whole fucking school. i don't know why but this whole semester is crap. i don't want to be here any more everyone is pissing meh off i don't know what i want to do with my life and even if i did know what i wanted to do with my life i wouldn't tell this fucking school cuz they really know how to bring down a person dreams or goal or some fucking thing like that man i hate this class. it pisses meh off i don't want to do anything this year and than i get stuck in this class i didn't even want to be in here that is another thing they say there are preparing us for the real world when in fact they are not! i don't think i would get fucking thursday school if i didn't show up to a class in fact i don't think they would even care and if they did that would shock meh but it just pisses meh off! and no one else see that.